Today is a new day

Here's what I posted on thebump.com yesterday:

"I generally have very very stong feelings about allowing myself to be bitter, angry and sad about IF. I have cried about IF less than a handful of times and I don't generally let myself get angry or jealous when other people in my life get pregnant, etc. I feel like life is too short to feel that miserable all of the time. However, I am setting aside today and today only to feel all of those things.
I went to my u/s this morning for a follie check. It was my 2nd one after the first found no development. Well, today again there was no development. After 8 days of stims (and they had increased my dose). The RE kept saying it will work and normally I try to be optimistic, but not today. Some girls have been here so much longer than I have and have gone through so many more treatments, and I have to be honest, I have no idea how they do it. I refuse to be the person that is sad and defeated all of the time but I can't imagine how I can keep up being happy and positive when all I get is blow after blow. So I am hoping that allowing myself a day to feel this way will help me snap out of it tomorrow. The annoying thing is that my office doesn't have a door so I can't even cry in private!"

But, today is a new day! I do feel better today. I am happy again, even though in the back of my head I'm still not sure how this cycle will go. I did get a slight bit of good news late yesterday from my RE. They said that my E2 had increased from 55 to 100. So, I am responding in some way. My husband was like, "Wow, that's really high! That's great!" but then I had to explain to him that no, that wasn't high since each mature follie should produce an E2 level of 200 and that I would like to have an E2 around 600 to 800. He's so funny I know he feels like he's walking around in the dark without a flashlight on this stuff.

So I increased my Follistim to 100 IU and I'll go back on Sat. for another check. Let me tell you, these checks are getting expensive at $70 a pop. It's really adding up and given that I am amongst the cheapest humans in history, it's like a stab to the heart every time I check-out. I know it will be worth it but some days I just feel like I'm being ripped off.

I also think that my emotions were already on high yesterday. A good friend of mine committed suicide on Halloween of 2007. She left my house and went home to kill herself and I was the last person to see her alive. I felt a lot of guilt about not knowing that something was wrong when I had just spent the whole night with her. But I honestly didn't, she was talking about how she was going to move in with her boyfriend and how she thought he was "the one". Anyways, I still have a lot of feelings surrounding her death and May 5th was her birthday and so I've had her on my mind a lot recently and it's got me a little edgy... But like I said, I'm moving on today and I am going to enjoy the things that I do have in my life and I am not going to focus on what I don't have.

By the way, has anyone else noticed how many typos I have in my posts? I should learn the art of proofreading before hitting the "Publish Post" button...