I tested today

I couldn't wait. Remember what I said about being impatient? Well, it was a very very faint positive. I am 11 days past trigger, so all the HCG from that should be out. However, I am still reserving most excitement until my actual testing date, which is the 26th. I am obviously going to test every day until then though!!

I had thought of so many ways to tell Brad, but when it came down to it what I said was, "Is this a line?? Do you see a line??" So romantic :P Anyways, anything can still happen so I am not getting to attached to this idea and I am not telling anyone IRL about it but I am quietly happy :)

8 days past IUI

I'm not sure that time could move slower if it were standing still. I feel like it is hard just to get through each day. I am trying so so hard to wait until Saturday to test because I know anything before that will be a negative and that will break my heart. It's still hard to suppress the urge though. I don't know why. I hate it when I can't be rational.

My bloating is much much better today. Yesterday it was terrible but I feel like it is starting to subside. Yesterday it was uncomfortable just to walk, but today it feels much better. I am still bloated though. The cramping has also gone away. I have felt a brief tingle in my utering area a couple of times today, but I am not reading into that because I may have imagined it. My boobs are still sore, but getting better. While I am glad that I am not as uncomfortable as I had been, I am also worried that this means that it didn't work. I am hoping that it just means that my body has normalized a little to the progesterone.

Speaking of progesterone, I went in this morning for a progesterone draw. I'm still waiting to hear about that but I am hoping for a nice high number. God, I need to just know if I am pregnant or not. I'm even boring myself with this whining. I'm not going to post again until Saturday so as not to bore you with the overanalyzing of every small thing going on in my reproductive system...

Well, 5dpiui

That's right, 5 days past IUI. For those of you counting, I am considering the first iui to be the "past iui date" because I am really impatient and this makes it seem like time is moving faster. I am dying here in the 2ww though. This is the first "real" one I've had. I have had 2ww's before, but it turned out that I had ever ovulated so I never even stood a chance. Well, I have my progesterone check on Weds. but I am pretty sure I ovulated. Tons of weird things have been going on in my abdomen lately. I think I ovulated the night between IUI #1 and #2 because I went to sleep feeling very aware of my left ovary (which had all of the follies that would have released) and woke up with a lot less pressure there but more bloating. My RE said that I would be bloated for at least a week. I don't mind so long as the bloat is actually taking me somewhere.

I have been really bloated since about 2 days past trigger and I continue to be so bloated that I can't sleep well. I have also been really tired lately, which I am guessing is from the progesterone supplements. Each night I go to bed earlier and earlier and this weekend I slept about 12 hours each night. My nipples are also crazy sore. I have never had sore boobs, ever. This sucks mainlybecuase I am a stomach sleeper. And then there's the cramping that began last night and is in full force today. I am not kidding when I say that I have gone to the bathroom expecting AF to show up only to find nothing. Of course I am glad to not see AF but I don't know what this cramping is all about. I thought implantation occurred 7-10DPO but some people have said that it could be implantation cramping, and these are pregnant ladies so now I don't know. That just seems so early to me, but of course I would be so happy if that were it. I am just hoping that AF stays away. I am planning on testing Sat. morning at 10/11 dpiui. I know that's a little early, but like I said, I'm impatient!

Groundhog Day

Another day, another IUI. Our numbers were still great today at 80 million. I am feeling super-bloated now though. Before, I was feeling some crampiness in my left ovary. Last night I must have ovulated because I don't feel anything in my ovary anymore but it is more of a cramping in my abdomen. I hope this goes away soon, but I am not optomistic. I think I will feel like crap for the rest of the week. Hopefully I will get my BFP and it will be worth it!! Now just 2 weeks until I can test. Piece of cake right? :P

I am inseminated!

I had my first IUI this morning. I was so afraid, based on my horrible and painful HSG experience. Well, let me just say that it was nothing! I didn't even feel a thing, it was less than a pap!! When I went in the nurse told me that I had a great sample to work with. Apparantly Brad's numbers were 92 million post-wash! She also said that motility was a 4 (their highest grade) and that almost nobody gets a 4! She said that he won the "stud muffin of the day" award :P My RE said that I would be feeling bloated this week, so I should be prepared for that, but he was really optomistic based on the numbers and my lining.

I had to trigger last night in a weird place. I had a sub-q trigger and I was supposed to do it at 8 p.m. Well, I was also involved in a study group beginning at 8 p.m. so there was a little conflict. So right before it started I went to the bathroom and was in the stall mixing up my drugs, it felt very shady...

So my second IUI is tomorrow and then we just wait. That's gonna be hard...

Freaking out a little.

Tonight is the night of my trigger. I did not get cancelled! I am beyond thrilled. Somehow, when I went in today I had 6 follies at 13mm on the right. I had like 10 follies at 13mm on the left but I also had 2 big beautiful ladies. One at 18mm and one at 21mm. I had to wait for my bloodwork to come back, but I got the call and I am a go for tonight's trigger!! I have no idea what my E2 level was but I don't even care!

I am a little excited and a lot nervous. This is really happening, and I can't believe it. I am so happy but scared. I am scared that it won't work, but at the same time I am scared that it will work. I've wanted this for so long, and I got so used to getting nowhere with my treatments that I didn't even really think about this moment. This may be my last day as a non-pregnant woman. Even though we've tried for over 18 months, I always felt that I wasn't ovulating so this is going to be the first time I've ovulated in that time and the first time I might truely and honestly get pregnant. Wow...

I've gone rogue

I think my cycle is about to be canceled. I had an E2 yesterday of 632 but was optimistic because of my 3 good lookin follicles. Well, when I went in today I had 6 measurables. One at 11 and one at 12 on the right and 3 at 13 and one at 14 in the left. My RE said (and I know) that we'd in the "danger zone" for a cancelled cycle since there are so many close together. My E2 level was 910. I have to step down my dose and go back tomorrow. I am almost positive they will cancel me. I know that anything can happen (and that's especially true with my body) but I am not getting my hopes up. I just don't see how a few will be able to grow to trigger size and yet the other won't grow at all (which is what I need to happen). In an ideal world most of my left side follies would grow and the right would stay just where they are, but again, I am not sure how that's possible. I was explaining to my mom that I might have to cancel since I would ovulate too many and she said "Well can't they just stop a few of them." Uhm, no. Clearly she didn't have any trouble with pregnancy. She did offer me her ovaries, but I think that's a little weird!

So here's where I have decided to take matters into my own hands. I am taking slightly less than the 50IU the RE told me to take. Not a lot less, but 50IU just seems like too much given my situation and I figure I'm throwing money down the drain at this point anyways, so why not? I'm totally a rebel.

I did pretty well with Mother's Day but it definitely helped that my mom and I celebrated yesterday when I was riding the wave of good news. Today I picked strawberries in a strawberry field and it was completely silent except for the sound of an Asian man playing a pan flute (Weird? Yes.). It was so relaxing and a great way to clear the mind. And now my kitchen smells like wonderfully ripe strawberries :)

Naturally

I am so excited to see that people actually read my blog, and thank you to those that have commented!

So, I had another ultrasound today and much to my joy and surprise, I had 3 measurable follies! I had 2 on the left (where did those come from?!) at 12 and one on the right at 11 (this is my "little engine that could" follie that has been trying to grow since the beginning). So I finally left the RE's office not in tears. But, naturally, it couldn't be all good news... About 4 hours after I left I got the call that my E2 level was over 600 (can't remember the exact number) to which I respond, "Wow! That's good right?!" Well, of course it wasn't. The nurse said that it was a little high. So, I am back down to 75 IU tonight and then I have to go back tomorrow.

I am not super worried or disappointed yet. I figure, if it really was way too high they would have reduced the dose even further. However, I also know that my RE is worried that some of the other follies might catch up and he doesn't want that to happen since he'll only trigger with 3 mature. So, I am hoping tomorrow that I will see some growth in the three that I had today and no others growing. Fingers crossed!

Today is a new day

Here's what I posted on thebump.com yesterday:

"I generally have very very stong feelings about allowing myself to be bitter, angry and sad about IF. I have cried about IF less than a handful of times and I don't generally let myself get angry or jealous when other people in my life get pregnant, etc. I feel like life is too short to feel that miserable all of the time. However, I am setting aside today and today only to feel all of those things.
I went to my u/s this morning for a follie check. It was my 2nd one after the first found no development. Well, today again there was no development. After 8 days of stims (and they had increased my dose). The RE kept saying it will work and normally I try to be optimistic, but not today. Some girls have been here so much longer than I have and have gone through so many more treatments, and I have to be honest, I have no idea how they do it. I refuse to be the person that is sad and defeated all of the time but I can't imagine how I can keep up being happy and positive when all I get is blow after blow. So I am hoping that allowing myself a day to feel this way will help me snap out of it tomorrow. The annoying thing is that my office doesn't have a door so I can't even cry in private!"

But, today is a new day! I do feel better today. I am happy again, even though in the back of my head I'm still not sure how this cycle will go. I did get a slight bit of good news late yesterday from my RE. They said that my E2 had increased from 55 to 100. So, I am responding in some way. My husband was like, "Wow, that's really high! That's great!" but then I had to explain to him that no, that wasn't high since each mature follie should produce an E2 level of 200 and that I would like to have an E2 around 600 to 800. He's so funny I know he feels like he's walking around in the dark without a flashlight on this stuff.

So I increased my Follistim to 100 IU and I'll go back on Sat. for another check. Let me tell you, these checks are getting expensive at $70 a pop. It's really adding up and given that I am amongst the cheapest humans in history, it's like a stab to the heart every time I check-out. I know it will be worth it but some days I just feel like I'm being ripped off.

I also think that my emotions were already on high yesterday. A good friend of mine committed suicide on Halloween of 2007. She left my house and went home to kill herself and I was the last person to see her alive. I felt a lot of guilt about not knowing that something was wrong when I had just spent the whole night with her. But I honestly didn't, she was talking about how she was going to move in with her boyfriend and how she thought he was "the one". Anyways, I still have a lot of feelings surrounding her death and May 5th was her birthday and so I've had her on my mind a lot recently and it's got me a little edgy... But like I said, I'm moving on today and I am going to enjoy the things that I do have in my life and I am not going to focus on what I don't have.

By the way, has anyone else noticed how many typos I have in my posts? I should learn the art of proofreading before hitting the "Publish Post" button...

First Follie Check Update

So, I had my first follie check on Sunday morning and it didn't go as well as I had hoped. I had one follie on the right that looked like it was *trying* to take the lead but was still only 8mm after 5 days of stims. The rest on both sides were unmeasurable. I am bummed. However, I'm still trying really hard to be positive. At least one is trying to advance right? Plus, I was so worried about overstimming, but obviously that's not my problem, at least right now. For the more science-y readers, my E2 at the baseline was 39 and on SUnday it was 55, not as high as they'd like to see. So they increased my dose to 75IU and I'll go back on Weds. for another check-up. My lining was great though, it was a triple stripe, grade 1 at 8mm already.

Brad went with me to the u/s and he was so funny after we left. He said that the only follie that he could see was the 8mm and I explained that about 18mm was mature. His response was "Oh my God, that's huge!! I thought the 8mm already looked really big!" He also said that "Triple Stripe" sounds like a beer. Men...